Courageous Parenting - Q&A with Pastor Jack Graham and Deb Graham

Jack and Deb Graham don’t pretend to know everything about parenting. Nobody does, they readily admit. But in Courageous Parenting they have provided an easy-to-read, conversational book that shares their experiences as parents of three.

In a world that seems to shift with each new day, the Grahams instead turned to the rock they used as their foundation, the base for so many generations that came before. It’s no mistake they dedicated their book to their first grandchild, Ian James Graham. The eternal truths don’t change on a whim. They last from generation to generation.

“I just really believe that the physical principles are clear,” Pastor Graham said. “And if we are to prepare ourselves with the proper foundations in our lives and in our homes, then many of the things we are concerned about and wring our hands and worry about when it comes to parenting will be resolved.”

Pastor Graham and Deb spoke recently about their book, their experiences and their prayer for parents.

Question: How did the process work for the writing of this book?

Deb: Basically, the biblical parts, the heart, the core, came from messages he has preached, so we sat down and went through the messages and organized and outlined. And after he did his preliminary work, we went back and added the personal touches.

Pastor: Deb actually wrote the best portions of the book. She added her personal touch, the stories and so many of the applications, and they’re fantastic. There is a kind of “he said, she said,” format in portions of the book.

Question: And that format makes for an easier read.

Pastor: We wanted to make it easy to read and keep it real. There is plenty of content, biblical content, but we wanted this to be as if we were having a conversation with the reader. There are plenty of books on parenting that are technical and even more theological in some sense. Ours is designed to be very personable and applicable. And, again, it was about keeping it real and helping parents understand that God will enable them to be the parents they are designed to be if they are willing to be available to Him.

Question: Is it easier to write a parenting book when you have grown children, as you can see the fruits of your labor?

Pastor: We don’t come to this as experts but as people – and as a pastor – with experience. Our kids (Jason, Kelly and Josh) make the book. I will say that. Our kids have been so responsive to our love and our leadership. They are kids who are walking in truth. They love God, they love their parents, they love each other, they love the church, they love people and they’re involved in ministries. So, we are grateful that the transition, the passing of the baton, is being made.

Question: This is a parenting book, but your first chapter makes it very clear that it takes three to make parenting work. How critical is it for couples to have a God relationship in their marriage?

Deb: I know there are parents who don’t know God and have wonderful relationships with their children. But there is an added dimension to parents who have God on their side. There’s a difference in the family, in the commitment, in the understanding, and it’s like you’re all going down the same road.

Pastor: First of all, Christ in your life strengthens your marriage. People are able to commit and stay committed because of the work of God’s spirit in their lives. Two people who are loving Christ and loving each other are knit together; a three-fold cord is not easily broken, Scripture says. Therefore, before we are parents we are partners, and Christ enables us as husbands and wives to be strong together. In the book, there are a couple of chapters on how husbands and dads are to live and how wives and mothers are to live, so that is foundational to the task of parenting. It is hard enough for Christian parents today to survive the attacks on their families – the cultural wars and all the rest – with Christ in their lives. I cannot imagine what it would be like without the powerful work of God in our lives to support and strengthen us as parents.

Question: Speaking of cultural battles, you write about discipline in the book. Is discipline practiced less these days? Is it harder to discipline because of what our culture allows for?

Pastor: That is the theme of this book, Courageous Parenting. It takes courage to be a parent and to stand up in the battle for our kids. It takes courage to say, “No,” to your kids when you want to say, “Yes,” because they want something so badly or because it is easy to let it go. And, really, the whole theme is “Parents, you have got to be parents.” You’re not your kids’ best friends or their buddies. You hopefully will be their friend and raise them ultimately to return as your friend. But you are the parent and with that comes the opportunity to guide, to coach, to lead. We are saying in the book to, “Step up and be a man of God, a woman of God,” and accept the challenges even when they are difficult.

Deb: I think some parents find it hard because they themselves were never disciplined. So they come into parenting that way, and their kids are seeing that.

Pastor: That’s a very good point. We often become parents like our own parents, and if it was bad parenting, then the cycle needs to be broken. And that’s where the church comes in, and the reading of Christian books and materials, and being willing to listen to God rather than the culture. Are we going to listen to the world and what the world says or listen to the Word and what the Word says? Are we going to raise our kids based on the wisdom of God or the wisdom of man? That is the bottom line.

Question: And, so, that means consistency is key?

Deb: Parents have to believe in what they’re trying to teach. So many of the teenage problems are because the parents are living that kind of life but expect the child not to. They don’t want their child to drink, but they’re drinking at home.

Pastor: It is hard to discipline your child if you are not practicing discipline in your own life.

Question: Which leads to other issues. How will children learn modesty and propriety when our culture says it’s OK to do otherwise? Even in the church we see people dressed inappropriately.

Deb: The church is a hospital for sinners…so you always have to have a model, and you hold it up as high as you can and you make sure that people you put in authority, the youth leaders, exemplify that model. And you pray that their relationships and their influence will be strong enough to make an impression. But you’ll always have new Christians who are not yet there in their walk.

Pastor: As far as I am concerned, the problem with girls dressing improperly is their mothers. That is what I mean when I talk about standing up and being a parent. “Quit being a child; quit trying to be a teenager again and be a mom.” I know it is a struggle. Some of these parents tell me it is a fight with their 14, 15-year-old daughters every time they go and buy clothes. I understand all of that.

In our church, we are always trying to keep the balance of being welcoming and open to anyone who wants to walk in the door, in any condition, so that we can bring them to Christ. But, when someone comes to Christ, it is our responsibility to teach parents, children, families and individuals biblical principles of Godliness, holiness and separation from the world. … I think it goes back to what we really want for our children. I mean, do we want them to be popular? Do we want them to be beautiful? Do we want them to be attractive? Or do we want them to be godly? Do you want your kids to grow up and make a difference in the world for Christ?

Question: It’s hard for girls to understand that, isn’t it, when they see everyone else dressing that way?

Deb: You have to change their minds by changing their hearts because the pressure is so great. You have to pray that they’ll become so interested in who they are for God that they’re not interested in who they are for man…You have to give them an avenue whereby they can be accepted by but not conform to the culture. You have to find that line that’s acceptable so they don’t feel they’re so out of style, but they’re modest. You have to find an alternative.

Pastor: It’s “No this, but yes this.” It’s what Daniel did when confronted in Babylon with eating the king’s meats and delicacies. He couldn’t do it because it would violate his own convictions and commitments. So what did he do? He offered to test. He went to the captain of the guard and said, “Test us. Give us 10 days to eat what we eat and then compare us.” So he gave an alternative so that he could live separately in Babylon and prove that is was a better way to live. So he did. You don’t have to be a social outcast. There ought to be something so good about you and in you and great about your life, that you can have the right kind of friends, you can be influential with your life, but do it by not conforming but by transforming your life.

Question: Looking back, is there anything you would have done differently in your early years of parenting?

Deb: First of all, you’re never finished parenting. So if you are not finished, then you are still working on what you did wrong and trying to correct it. It’s never too late to continue instilling the same things over and over.

Pastor: I honestly can say I don’t have any regrets. That’s not to say we did not make mistakes. We made lots of mistakes. The natural thing to say is, “I wish I had spent more time with the kids,” or “I wish I had disciplined them more.” There are all kinds of things I could say. But I believe you learn lessons from the past but you live in the present.

You can purchase a copy of Courageous Parenting in the Prestonwood Bookstore.